Aptly described

This is an E-mail which I received some days back. I think these Definitions are more fitting than the dictionary meanings of the following words.

CIGARETTE

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!


CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling
you have never felt before

CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read

SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life


ETC:
A sign
to make others believe
that you know
more than
you actually do

COMMITTEE:
Individuals
who can do
nothing individually
and sit to decide
that nothing can be done
together

EXPERIENCE:
The name
men give
to their
Mistakes

NUCLEAR BOMB:
An invention
to bring an end
to all
inventions

PHILOSOPHER:
A fool
who torments himself
during life,
to be spoken of
when dead

DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip

OPPORTUNIST:
A person
who starts taking bath
if he
accidentally falls
into a river

OPTIMIST:
A person
who while falling
from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

PESSIMIST:
A person
who says that
O is the last letter
in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter
in OPPORTUNITY

MISER:
A person
who lives poor
so that
he can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker
provided by
nature

CRIMINAL:
A guy
no different
from the other,
unless he gets caught

BOSS:
Someone
who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early

POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before elections
and your Confidence
Later

DOCTOR:
A person
who kills
your ills
by pills,
and kills you
by his bills!

Raju in IIT..

The big day arrived.... Raju opened his mailbox to check for any mails. And there it was... Mom and Dad were so proud....... Mom ran about the street with sweets for everyone. only one thing in her mouth " राजू बन गया IITian.."

And then finally the big day came. Raju sat in the S4 bogie of the Charminar Express from Hyderabad to Chennai. Raju had got admission into the BTech Programme of Mechanical Engineering department of IIT Madras. Poor Raju was alone for the first time. He had not even left his garden ever before in his life of a whole year. None of his 4 siblings were able to do what he could. Oh!! in fact no one in his species could pull off this feat.

His initial days were great. All the professors liking him. Always cuddling him. Even all the seniors liked him a lot. There was no Interaction Session for Raju. He passed his first year in flying colours. (Even Prof. RKK loved him and gave him an actual C++ program to write!!). But life is not always easy. Raju was introduced to Boozing in his 1st year Hostel nite. Come second year and Raju was in deep Shit with all the Boozing. Once after a big night with 3 bottles of Wodkas, he called up his home and began blabbering something about the crappy life lived by his family and the crap his father always spoke about being "Man's Best Friend." The next weekend, his father came to his room and found cartons of cigarettes and many bottles of booze. What a sound thrashing poor Raju recieved that day. Poor chap still whimpers in pain when he remembers that day. Raju always btiched about there being no good Bitches in IITM. Even the strays were undesirable. He had only one word for them "non-Dogs." He always thought about those old days back home when he used to see cute and sexy bitches and shout at them "आती क्या खंडाला ?" But ALAS, he bid farewell to those days when he decided to write JEE.

Raju picked up another Dangerous habit while in IITM. Hunting Deers especially Black-bucks. He was very much inspired by Salman Khan. He used to hunt them day and night. One fine day, while he was chasing a plump deer, he was caught by the Prakriti group. A DISCO (Disciplinary committee) was set to decide the extent of his crimes. He was made to sit alongside students from Ganga Hostel who were caught apparently ragging freshers. Poor Raju was expelled from his hostel (Mandakini was his hostel) He had to spend the rest of his IIT life in the Kala Pani of IIT Madras viz. Mahanadi Hostel. This was in his 6th semester.

But all through this, Raju never lost his ability to convince people. He even managed to convince the Mech HOD to allow him to do an internship in Germany after his 3rd year. Raju went to Amsterdam and was introduced to Pot (or weed or Marijuana). He was so fascinated with it that he spent almost his whole summer smoking pot in Amsterdam. But he still managed to get a good reco from his German Professor. But Raju had smoked so much Pot in Amsterdam that he was thin and weak when he returned back to India. His parents thought that it must be because of the climate in Europe. But Raju knew better.

On seeing his माँ का प्यार and बाप का विश्वास, he decided to mend his ways and do something good with his life. He mugged and mugged hard for his GRE and got 1590/1600. Raju is now contemplating on apping in MIT.

Will he get into MIT? What will become of his American Dream?
जान ने के लिए पढ़ते रहिये।

MED SCHOOL

I got this mail from a friend once. Thought I would share it here with you all..

Any Medical student would surely commit suicide after reading these definitions

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - The study of the paintings.

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.

Caesarean section - a district in Rome.

Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.

Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.

Chronic - neck of a crow.

Coma - punctuation mark.

Cortisone - area around local court.

Cyst - short for sister.

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.

Dislocation - in this place.

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.

Enema - not a friend.

Fake labour - pretending to work.

Genes - blue denim.

Hernia - she is close by.

Impotent - distinguished/ well known.

Labour pain - hurt at work.

Lactose - people without toes.

Lymph - walk unsteadily.

Microbes - small dressing gown.

Obesity - city of Obe.

Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.

Proteins - in favour of teens.

Pulse - grain.

Pus - small cat.

Red blood count - Dracula.

Secretion - hiding anything.

Tablet - small table.

Ultrasound - radical noise.

Urine - opposite of you're out.

Varicose - very close.

THE UNRELENTING MOUSE.....

PROLOGUE: The EU Animal rights protocol states that the mice should be kept in a closed container with excess of Isofluran (For the information of the Ignorants: Isofluran is an anesthetic). Wait for the mice to die before cutting it open.

After the above-said protocol one fine day in the lab, I got 1 mouse on the table. I checked for its heart rate and vitals (check whether it moves or not). Confirming that it was dead, I sprayed it with Alcohol and was just about to cut it when lo and behold it starts gasping for air. The stupid mouse hadnt died yet. I thought that maybe the Isofluran dosage wasnt enough. So I kept the mouse in the container again with an increased dose of the above-mentioned anesthetic. In the meanwhile, I thought of carrying on the experiment with other mice. By the time I kept the second mouse, the Isofluran was so high that the mouse died in seconds. Same thing happened with the 3rd and the 4th mouse. By the time I kept the 5th one for execution, I checked on the first one. And to my utter surprise, it was still breathing !!!!!! This was really surprising. No other mouse had survived for so long in the Execution box (A name given by me to that particular box which is used to kill the mice). It seemed like the Death-God of the mice (If there is one) was just unwilling to accept this particular individual. Who knows what reason it may be. May be because this particular mouse had committed too much PAAPS in its lifetime (which was about 7 weeks). Or maybe because it had something to accomplish before leaving this mohmaaya bhara sansaar. But whatever the reason, it was hampering my experiment. If it hadnt been for the EU animal rights protocol, I would have killed it there and then ekdum desi ishtyle. But NO!!!! I had to wait for it pass on the next world before I could cut open its materialist body and extract those few million cells which were floating around in its abdomen due to the injection which it had been given 2 days prior.

EPILOGUE: Finallly after 6 mice gone before its eyes, इस चूहे ने दम तोड़ दिया। And then finally I was able to go ahead with my experiment happily ever after.

NO MORE!!!

After my first trip in Europe, I understood that spending money for food outside burns a HUGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE hole in the Pocket. So I decided to carry food from home for any further trips. Well the easiest thing to carry was bread and Jam/Mayonaise. After n trips, and eating Bread and Mayonaise day and night, I realized that I will never ever ever ever ever ever be able eat these things once I reach home. Soon after that I realized that there are quite a few things which I would not eat/Drink once I am back in India because I will be overloaded with these things here. I also went a step ahead to list out the things which I will not appreciate back in India.

Here goes:

1) Bread: No matter what, I will eat the 'stone cold, drier than sand' Aloo paranthas in the Mess on Sunday morning but I will not touch Bread at allllll..........

2) Mayonaise: Next time I go to McDs in India, I will ask for Burgers WITHOUT Mayonaise. I am super fed up with the taste of Mayonaise which once I adored and longed to eat.

3) Egg Omlette: While at home, I thought ," How cool it would be to eat an Egg omlette every morning." But believe me it is not cool at all. After 6 weeks of egg omlette in the morning, I feel like I will puke the next time I eat Omlette.

4) Beer: The German beer is considered one of the world's best. But after so many of those, I feel that I will never ever touch one back in India.

5) Porshces, Mercs, BMWs: Earlier whenever I saw a Merc or a Porsche, my heart would leap at the sight of those beautiful cars. But after seeing a beautiful Porsche or an elegant Merc around every corner, those beauties have lost their charm. In the first few days, my heart would dance on seeing a Beautiful Porsche or a BMW. But now, I feel like it is just another car.

6) Bikinis: If you ever see someone wearing a Bikini (Mind you I have seen someone only once), it would become a HUGEEEE fuss. But ever since the mercury touched 25 here, all you can see is a Bikini. In the Lawns, in the pool, at the Railway Station, in the Kitchen (yes!! in My shared Kitchen too) they are everywhere.

7) Underground trains: When I first sat on the Metro in Calcutta, I was excited to see how the train runs UNDER the ROADS. But after travelling in the Underground trains almost everywhere, they dont seem so great after all.

And some of you smartasses who read this will ask me why do I still eat/drink/experience/see these things.
For you people, I have only one thing to say :
" कोई चारा नही है भाई क्या करें."